My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
