I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
