so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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