why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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