ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
