I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
