sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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