I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
