the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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