Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
