I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
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No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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