If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
