By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
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Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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