I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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