Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
