Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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