dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
