I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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