i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
