Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he puts the penis in happiness.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
