who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
