the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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