i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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