He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
