She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
