My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
