mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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