All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
