Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
