i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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