sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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