We're facebook friends in real life
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
