I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
