I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
