I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
