John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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