Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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