Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
