sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
