there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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