I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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