i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
