He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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