Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
