how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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