Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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