It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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