I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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