Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
