Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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