4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
