There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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