I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
