I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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