We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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