I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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