You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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